Name:Anna Country:United States State:Ohio Birthday:11/19/1986 Gender:Female
Interests:I'm a Vocal Performance major at Baldwin-Wallace College. I have a passion for singing, dancing, theatre and writing. I am working hard to expand my horizons and grow as an individual. Occupation:Student
It's back, with a vengeance the nagging pull of this depression. The medication was supposed to make it better, and it did, but now...it's back. What do I do doctor? "Change the medication." Small improvements as more time passes. Time, the infinite cure. But in time all things rise and fall and you end up down again. What do I do doctor I'm feeling worse than before? "Change the medication, less of that , more of this" Whenever I change something, I get a momentary sensation of relief because I've been given a small opportunity to feel as though I've started over. It feels good to feel good again, but it feels worse to keep losing control. I'm not sure how it's possible that in one year I've felt so incredibly good and have so many wonderful reasons to feel that way but am now experiencing the most debilitating depression. To go from so good, to so bad in 6 months feels the like a terrible failure. Why am I incapable of being successfully treated? Let´s complicate things more... When I am "happy" I am better able to nurture and control my relationship with food. When I am "sad" I loose more control of how, when and why I eat. When I don't control what I eat the less happy I feel. Either way, it's unhealthy.
Right now I feel like my life is out of my control, and I have lost my passion for the things I want and ought to do.
1. I have not been motivated to practice voice > I have been unprepared for my vocal obligations > I have failed as a voice student 2. I have been angry and anxious is math > I have not done well on tests > I have not done all of my homework > I have missed classes > I will get a bad grade 3. I have not read all of the plays for Theater Lit > I have been afraid to go to class unprepared > I have done poorly on one test > I missed a test because I was afraid to go and fail and allowed the side of effects of my new medication to stand in as a legitimate excuse > I exagerated the truth because I am afraid to face my consequences. 4. When I'm out I want to come home > When I'm home I don't know what to do with myself 5. My support system is crumbling > I don't like my counselor > My boyfriend get's upset when I try to explain my problems > He cannot deal with my emotional instability > He tells me if I get worse I should be committed.
That's the loving support I'm getting "you should be committed." How is it that someone I love so much, is failing to be there for me in this really difficult time. If it weren't already bad enough he takes out his stress by being critical of me about meaningless things.
Sometimes I feel so detached that I don't care if I fail. I keep thinking that no matter how good things are, they only go back to being bad again because the cycle just goes and goes and goes. When I dwell on this life feels hopeless and I jump straight out of a depression handbook and think about death. I don't think about killing myself but I think about death, and about people who have died, and I wonder...does anything that we do in this life matter in the afterlife. Is there an afterlife? If my faith were strong enough to withstand the turmoil in my head, I wouldn't be asking that question.
All I know is my path is on a downward spiral. I feel hopeless and I need a miracle cure because I just can't take it.
For School 1. Get all A's 2. Plan/Learn music for my Senior Recital 3. Get Headshots 4. Buy a Macbook 5. Attend 3 auditons
For Health 1. Drink 60oz. of water daily (eliminate pop) 2. Help Mike jump start his new diet and exercise plans. 3. Be more consistent with taking my medications. 4. Be able to do the splits. 5. Be able to do a pirouette without getting dizzy or falling over!
The first few weeks after Lianne died she was all I could think about. I was drawn to watch her videos and read her blogs on a daily basis for reasons that I really can't explain. I knew that I was sad and extremely upset by her death but strangely enough it never occurred to me that I was actually grieving. Finally a counselor explained to me that my compulsive behavior wasn't as bizarre as I thought but rather a natural part of the grieving process. The counselor helped me to realize that every time I thought about Lianne, which was often, I was bombarded by mental images of her funeral that disturbed me. In a subconscious way I yearned to replace these thoughts with images of Lianne as she was when she was alive, which I did by watching her videos, reading her words, and looking at her photos. Though I no longer feel the need to do this daily, every so often I will go to Youtube and watch Lianne's videos so that I can listen to her voice and remember her. I can't express how grateful I am that we have so many videos of Lianne to remember her by. Even though it makes me tearful and sad to watch them it also makes me feel better knowing that Lianne's legacy of photos, music and writings allow us all to keep her memory alive in our souls. I miss Lianne terribly but I hold onto the belief that I will find peace in my grief. When I doubt myself I think of what Lianne would say if she were asked, Is it really possible to find "peace through pain?" I know Lianne would say "I did!"
Being able to share this story has been a tremendous comfort in and of itself.
I went to the optometrist to have my eyes checked out. I hadn't had an eye exam since the 4th grade. I figured since i'd been getting lots of headaches and occasional blurry vision that it might be a good idea. So, it turns out I actually do need glasses. I figured as long as I have to get glasses than I should pick cute ones. Here is a picture of the frames I chose. It comes in a few other colors, but I really like the red ones.
Adrienne Vittadini 7043
I can't wait to get them and see how they work out for me.
